i have many things i ponder...and like to turn over in my mind.
like, have i drifted so far away from my First Love; so much so that now i turn to the World for confirmation and hold a false sense of security in their opinion of me?
[this in isolation is entirely incorrect - i should be relying on my Lord and Saviour for confirmation; not the World].
2) 'I want to live in the Light
as You are in the Light...
I want to shine like the stars in the Heavens'
..sometimes I feel like i lead two lives...one of holiness and piety/
then, one of debauchery, drunkeness, and unrequited lust...this is who i do not want to be, yet i feel like i am forever bound to living this life of sin, no matter how hard i try to prise myself from this fallen life....
Lord; please help me to rid myself of this shamefulness; and to find rest and recovery in You....
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
cardiac spaghetti
hello. how are you? good? are you happy; content with what life has given you so far? i hope so.
most of my friends and family will know that, for years, i have struggled with the ever present issue that is my single state, and the fact that i have not yet been able to 'enjoy' a happy and fufilling relationship with someone for most of my life. I've tried to deal with this pain by immersing myself in various ministries both in church and out of church (i think as a way of distracting me from having to deal with my real issues and concerns...), and i'll have some days where my single state will not affect me at all. but then there are days, where i'll hear of fellow schoolfriends who are getting engaged, and my immediate reaction is one of joy and elation for them (oh, really? you're getting engaged?! i'm soooo happy for the both of you....all the best, dear!!), and the pain that i once felt and then suppressed, begins to die inside me, and i start to despair and become despondant at the fact that i might never find a compatible companion for myself at all.
...at times, it becomes a chore maintaining the veneer of imposed happiness in the presence of newly engaged pals. You're fake smile begins to hurt, and there are only so many times you can laugh and grin before they sense that you are faking; and that hurts as well (emotionally). Because deep down inside, you want to share in their joy and elation, but the fact that you are single means that you cannot truly feel their emotions, and are on a totally different level to their rush of emotions, and a wave of intense sadness descends on you, and all you want to do is run to your room and bawl your heart out until there are no more tears left to shed. because it hurts deeply; especially when you have feelings for someone, and you take the plunge and ask them out; only to have them turn you down point blank and them saying 'let's be friends, ok? i don't think i love you that much, sorry'.
you're heart can only get broken so many times before you become dead to the very idea of marriage, and the very notion becomes like a necrotic limb - void of any feeling and is dead and heavy, and conitnually weighs you down.
oh; believe me, i've had my fair share of crushes, and had my heart cut so many times, i think it's turned to cardiac spaghetti.
...i don't mind it when life brings you friends, sure they make your days a little brighter, and laughter always helps a broken heart, but i would (for once!!) like a little development in the relationship stakes...surely friendships have the ability to transform into something more...surely??
most of my friends and family will know that, for years, i have struggled with the ever present issue that is my single state, and the fact that i have not yet been able to 'enjoy' a happy and fufilling relationship with someone for most of my life. I've tried to deal with this pain by immersing myself in various ministries both in church and out of church (i think as a way of distracting me from having to deal with my real issues and concerns...), and i'll have some days where my single state will not affect me at all. but then there are days, where i'll hear of fellow schoolfriends who are getting engaged, and my immediate reaction is one of joy and elation for them (oh, really? you're getting engaged?! i'm soooo happy for the both of you....all the best, dear!!), and the pain that i once felt and then suppressed, begins to die inside me, and i start to despair and become despondant at the fact that i might never find a compatible companion for myself at all.
...at times, it becomes a chore maintaining the veneer of imposed happiness in the presence of newly engaged pals. You're fake smile begins to hurt, and there are only so many times you can laugh and grin before they sense that you are faking; and that hurts as well (emotionally). Because deep down inside, you want to share in their joy and elation, but the fact that you are single means that you cannot truly feel their emotions, and are on a totally different level to their rush of emotions, and a wave of intense sadness descends on you, and all you want to do is run to your room and bawl your heart out until there are no more tears left to shed. because it hurts deeply; especially when you have feelings for someone, and you take the plunge and ask them out; only to have them turn you down point blank and them saying 'let's be friends, ok? i don't think i love you that much, sorry'.
you're heart can only get broken so many times before you become dead to the very idea of marriage, and the very notion becomes like a necrotic limb - void of any feeling and is dead and heavy, and conitnually weighs you down.
oh; believe me, i've had my fair share of crushes, and had my heart cut so many times, i think it's turned to cardiac spaghetti.
...i don't mind it when life brings you friends, sure they make your days a little brighter, and laughter always helps a broken heart, but i would (for once!!) like a little development in the relationship stakes...surely friendships have the ability to transform into something more...surely??
Monday, April 26, 2010
i think i've run out of love for the current season of Masterchef. I mean, sure, the tension and drama of trying to 'outcook' your oppenents is still there, but after the 1st and 2nd seasons, i think MC has run it's course. Sure, the same judges are there: Garry, George and Matt (aka, Captain Cravat).
There are of course the same challenges as last time; for instance, last night, the contestants had to re-create a dish that evoked memories from their childhood. Sure, there were a couple of sob stories (Eg, Claire, Callum and Adele), but from the start of the challenge to the end, every single contestant had a wet eye. (How I still do not know)...
i'm still smirking at Garry's comment of 'there is a lot of love in this room right now, use this as your inspiration!!' when the camera panned the throng of the top 24 chefs in the competition.
There have been a few character alterations. Take Matt, for instance. Last season, he was the gruff, cranky one, who was harder to please than a prositute on Kings Cross. Last night was a complete turnaround in terms of his personality. Garry and George are slightly more gruff this series. Which is a relief, considering that last season, I was actually yelling at the tv, every time George went soft on contestants who couldn't deliver for one reason or the other.
However, tonight, I'll be back in front of the tele, watching the battle pan out between the triumphant Alvin try his luck against Viet extraordinaire Luke Ngyuen in his attempts in matching Ngyuen's efforts in constructing a typical Vietnamese feast.
Now that i've had a chance to experience the phenomenon that is Masterchef 20-10, i've resigned myself to the fact that I am SUCH a fan of SA boy, Callum. For starters, he's only 20, and is THE most adorable creature. It's a pity that he's been put under the pump recently...take the most recent challenge - running one of two italian restaraunts. as fate would have it, his cooking skills and time management skills were out of this world...but alas, he was put on the weaker team, and subsequently, ended up losing the challenge (and a rather plush lunch, as well..poor Cow:( still. adele for me has gone from uber infuriating italian nonna to one hilarious woman - not only does she look perpetually stressed 24-7, but her response to stresses and her facial expressions are classic.! I'm actually surprised that she's managed to withstand the strains and stresses of being in the top 24..!!
i was devastated the other night when, after the bottom two contestants, Jonothan and Devon had a skills stress test, which poor old Dev came up second best to Brit Jono. :( boo.
it'll be so cool if Malaysian Alvin ended up winning...since i am asian and he is as well, and having my roots sort of from his country, it'd be well awesome!! =P
..stay tuned, peoples. =)
There are of course the same challenges as last time; for instance, last night, the contestants had to re-create a dish that evoked memories from their childhood. Sure, there were a couple of sob stories (Eg, Claire, Callum and Adele), but from the start of the challenge to the end, every single contestant had a wet eye. (How I still do not know)...
i'm still smirking at Garry's comment of 'there is a lot of love in this room right now, use this as your inspiration!!' when the camera panned the throng of the top 24 chefs in the competition.
There have been a few character alterations. Take Matt, for instance. Last season, he was the gruff, cranky one, who was harder to please than a prositute on Kings Cross. Last night was a complete turnaround in terms of his personality. Garry and George are slightly more gruff this series. Which is a relief, considering that last season, I was actually yelling at the tv, every time George went soft on contestants who couldn't deliver for one reason or the other.
However, tonight, I'll be back in front of the tele, watching the battle pan out between the triumphant Alvin try his luck against Viet extraordinaire Luke Ngyuen in his attempts in matching Ngyuen's efforts in constructing a typical Vietnamese feast.
Now that i've had a chance to experience the phenomenon that is Masterchef 20-10, i've resigned myself to the fact that I am SUCH a fan of SA boy, Callum. For starters, he's only 20, and is THE most adorable creature. It's a pity that he's been put under the pump recently...take the most recent challenge - running one of two italian restaraunts. as fate would have it, his cooking skills and time management skills were out of this world...but alas, he was put on the weaker team, and subsequently, ended up losing the challenge (and a rather plush lunch, as well..poor Cow:( still. adele for me has gone from uber infuriating italian nonna to one hilarious woman - not only does she look perpetually stressed 24-7, but her response to stresses and her facial expressions are classic.! I'm actually surprised that she's managed to withstand the strains and stresses of being in the top 24..!!
i was devastated the other night when, after the bottom two contestants, Jonothan and Devon had a skills stress test, which poor old Dev came up second best to Brit Jono. :( boo.
it'll be so cool if Malaysian Alvin ended up winning...since i am asian and he is as well, and having my roots sort of from his country, it'd be well awesome!! =P
..stay tuned, peoples. =)
and i was like: baby, baby baby no!
So, today, it seemed, that a kid from Canada was coming out to Australia to perform today...someone by the name of....Beiber. That's right, folks. Justin Beiber was coming to Sydney, and where was I at i hear you ask? At work. The last place i really wanted to be at, actually, but, seeing as i had a throng of geriatric patients waiting for me at work, i thought I'd grace my work with my presence for a change.
So, I arrived as usual, and rubbed my hands together. (it was a real cold morning, and I don't cope well normally with sharp temperature drops at the best of times). As i breezed in from outside, I passed by one of my colleagues, who was only slightly aware of someone by the name of Beiber. So I brightly said good morning, and ZOMGosh, The BEIBER is heeeeere!!! woop!
...her response was a slightly, half awake thing of 'huh? be....OHHHH' and rolled her eyes and smacked her head. (I was determined to remain on a beiber-high all day, regardless of what i would encounter during the day...:)
The tv in the lounge room was on (but dang it; they had it on the WRONG CHANNEL!!) so i raged silently, but also at the same time, rather happily at this annoying fact; knowing full well, that later, i'd be able to sneakily change channels* and maybe catch a glimpse of the Beiber's face...).
So, the day panned out pretty much like it always does; we worked hard, and I happened to mention to my partner (let's just call her Ms T) that I'd had the beiber-fever for a while now...and wished that i could see him L I V E this morning. To which she replied (rather matter-of-factly):why? it's soooo cold!! my daughter is going to see him and i'll get her to take lots of pictures for you....
*normally, by some good chance, or by some wonderful turn of luck, we look after patients that insist on having their tv on while we attend to them. Y'know what? in our particular section, there was NO ONE that fell into this highly desirable catergory (boo), but the thing that gets my goat is that there was a man who fit into this catergory perfectly, but was in my colleague's section, and she doesn't even like the Beeb one iota!! Now how's THAT for justice?! =\
So the day ended, and night comes. This usually means that the 5pm news is on, and so we get to catch up on what's been happening in the world today. There was the usual news of natural disasters, the fluctuating economy, sports, and....that's right.!! My Beiber featured quite heavily not only in the ch 10 5pm news, but also in the 4pm news on ch7, and ch 9 had a small snippet of his brief performance as well...!! With that much coverage, i was a happy little beiber fan :) and still am...that boy's hair is amazzzzing.
...still wanting his cd: My World 2.0 (daggy name??) and still dream about him somehow being able to autograph it for moi in the near future...
i live in hope. Come back, Beiber!! We miss you and love love LOVE you!!
So, I arrived as usual, and rubbed my hands together. (it was a real cold morning, and I don't cope well normally with sharp temperature drops at the best of times). As i breezed in from outside, I passed by one of my colleagues, who was only slightly aware of someone by the name of Beiber. So I brightly said good morning, and ZOMGosh, The BEIBER is heeeeere!!! woop!
...her response was a slightly, half awake thing of 'huh? be....OHHHH' and rolled her eyes and smacked her head. (I was determined to remain on a beiber-high all day, regardless of what i would encounter during the day...:)
The tv in the lounge room was on (but dang it; they had it on the WRONG CHANNEL!!) so i raged silently, but also at the same time, rather happily at this annoying fact; knowing full well, that later, i'd be able to sneakily change channels* and maybe catch a glimpse of the Beiber's face...).
So, the day panned out pretty much like it always does; we worked hard, and I happened to mention to my partner (let's just call her Ms T) that I'd had the beiber-fever for a while now...and wished that i could see him L I V E this morning. To which she replied (rather matter-of-factly):why? it's soooo cold!! my daughter is going to see him and i'll get her to take lots of pictures for you....
*normally, by some good chance, or by some wonderful turn of luck, we look after patients that insist on having their tv on while we attend to them. Y'know what? in our particular section, there was NO ONE that fell into this highly desirable catergory (boo), but the thing that gets my goat is that there was a man who fit into this catergory perfectly, but was in my colleague's section, and she doesn't even like the Beeb one iota!! Now how's THAT for justice?! =\
So the day ended, and night comes. This usually means that the 5pm news is on, and so we get to catch up on what's been happening in the world today. There was the usual news of natural disasters, the fluctuating economy, sports, and....that's right.!! My Beiber featured quite heavily not only in the ch 10 5pm news, but also in the 4pm news on ch7, and ch 9 had a small snippet of his brief performance as well...!! With that much coverage, i was a happy little beiber fan :) and still am...that boy's hair is amazzzzing.
...still wanting his cd: My World 2.0 (daggy name??) and still dream about him somehow being able to autograph it for moi in the near future...
i live in hope. Come back, Beiber!! We miss you and love love LOVE you!!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
you and me could write a bad romance....
Such was the line of Lady Gaga's song Bad Romance that embedded itself into the sticky part of my brain all day at work and then at home.
For months now, I had cultivated my 'private' homage to the Italian-born Singer (aka Stephanie Germanotti ) who now goes by the psuedonym of Lady Gaga. Night after night of dedicated listening to the top 40 radio stations, rejoicing inwardly at the synthezizers blasting out the opening chords of Bad Romance, I dutifully learnt every single word by heart - I felt I was now ready...ready for the day when Gaga herself would one day annouce she would tour in Sydney, Australia; at which point I would then have the ticket to the show in my hot little hand, and a head chockablock of Lady Gaga Songs memorized word for word.
I had pretty much cleared all traces of the Gaga from my mind, when suddenly, my colleagues were discussing her show (in syd...zomg!!!) and how expensive the tickets were; (roughly $300 without seats...you'd pretty much be standing up the whole night). That's when i got intense feelings of jealousy, raging that i missed out on tix, (realizing how few times Gaga would probably decided to tour here in Oz again), and also slightly ashamed that my former 'private' adoration of the Gaga might surface.
But, as my other colleague told me, life goes on...concert or no concert. That's life!
...so, to all my lucky little monsters who were lucky enough to score tix to see the Gaga LIVE, all my love in the world to you - hope you truly enjoy yourselves, and take loaaaads of piccies for us poor folk who missed out!! =)
x
For months now, I had cultivated my 'private' homage to the Italian-born Singer (aka Stephanie Germanotti ) who now goes by the psuedonym of Lady Gaga. Night after night of dedicated listening to the top 40 radio stations, rejoicing inwardly at the synthezizers blasting out the opening chords of Bad Romance, I dutifully learnt every single word by heart - I felt I was now ready...ready for the day when Gaga herself would one day annouce she would tour in Sydney, Australia; at which point I would then have the ticket to the show in my hot little hand, and a head chockablock of Lady Gaga Songs memorized word for word.
I had pretty much cleared all traces of the Gaga from my mind, when suddenly, my colleagues were discussing her show (in syd...zomg!!!) and how expensive the tickets were; (roughly $300 without seats...you'd pretty much be standing up the whole night). That's when i got intense feelings of jealousy, raging that i missed out on tix, (realizing how few times Gaga would probably decided to tour here in Oz again), and also slightly ashamed that my former 'private' adoration of the Gaga might surface.
But, as my other colleague told me, life goes on...concert or no concert. That's life!
...so, to all my lucky little monsters who were lucky enough to score tix to see the Gaga LIVE, all my love in the world to you - hope you truly enjoy yourselves, and take loaaaads of piccies for us poor folk who missed out!! =)
x
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I'm not one to normally wite lyrical about every shopping experience i embark upon, but it's a new month, so here we go.
At about 12 ish today, my bestest pal from school (Ms B) sends me 2 text messages on my phone. Bemused, and somewhat confused at the same time, I click my phone on to see who it could be. At last, i discover my mystery text sender - Ms B! Who is delighted to finally make contact with me after my loverly sojourn through many Asian nations. She anticipates a reunion with me (hopefully) this afternoon for a lunch of Sushi and general gallavanting at Castle Towers. Would i say yay, or nay? Huriedly, I stow the broom and dustpan away back into the corner of our laundry and hurriedly tap out a yay reply and tell her that i would LOVE to have a rendezvous with her (along with lunch and general guffawing of course:) with my loverly ms b.
Frantically, i make a hasty costume change out of my rags (old, smelly t-shirt, perfect attire for general housework - no-one cares what you wear, as long as it will stand up against household dust and dirt, it's ok!!) into a more 'formal' black t-shirt and shorts from Thailand (thanks, sis! :D)
Suddenly, my phone brrrrs to life and flashes me another update from madame b: telling me that she will definitely be another half hour away, due to the fact that she doesn't want to try and do battle with the oppressive amount of traffic that's around Towers right now. So, i have a delicious window of half and hour which i can use to a) compose myself and b) get my handbag packed and ready for Madame B's arrival. I quickly do a final check of my handbag, and see that, yes, my wallet is in there (check!) as well as a half opened packet of tissues (you never know when they'll come in handy!!) as well as a lipstick, and an almost empty bottle of mascara (mental note to self- need to pick up some more - maybe? at Towers later on!). Check. Ready to roll!. I check the clock on the wall to see if B is coming or not - atm it's only 12:15, so have at least 15 minutes' until her arrival. Yes!
At about 12 ish today, my bestest pal from school (Ms B) sends me 2 text messages on my phone. Bemused, and somewhat confused at the same time, I click my phone on to see who it could be. At last, i discover my mystery text sender - Ms B! Who is delighted to finally make contact with me after my loverly sojourn through many Asian nations. She anticipates a reunion with me (hopefully) this afternoon for a lunch of Sushi and general gallavanting at Castle Towers. Would i say yay, or nay? Huriedly, I stow the broom and dustpan away back into the corner of our laundry and hurriedly tap out a yay reply and tell her that i would LOVE to have a rendezvous with her (along with lunch and general guffawing of course:) with my loverly ms b.
Frantically, i make a hasty costume change out of my rags (old, smelly t-shirt, perfect attire for general housework - no-one cares what you wear, as long as it will stand up against household dust and dirt, it's ok!!) into a more 'formal' black t-shirt and shorts from Thailand (thanks, sis! :D)
Suddenly, my phone brrrrs to life and flashes me another update from madame b: telling me that she will definitely be another half hour away, due to the fact that she doesn't want to try and do battle with the oppressive amount of traffic that's around Towers right now. So, i have a delicious window of half and hour which i can use to a) compose myself and b) get my handbag packed and ready for Madame B's arrival. I quickly do a final check of my handbag, and see that, yes, my wallet is in there (check!) as well as a half opened packet of tissues (you never know when they'll come in handy!!) as well as a lipstick, and an almost empty bottle of mascara (mental note to self- need to pick up some more - maybe? at Towers later on!). Check. Ready to roll!. I check the clock on the wall to see if B is coming or not - atm it's only 12:15, so have at least 15 minutes' until her arrival. Yes!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
of food (and other things :)
so, i have carefully steered my ship and avoided crashing into any major obstacles throughout this week, and have reached the sa'fe haven that is the weekend <3
i have a church kickoff dinner tomorrow night, so it means that i'll have to get my masterchef mojo on to get a dish out for tomorrow night's feast :) i was hoping to create (at first) a soya sauce chicken dish, but then changed my plans to try and make a much simpler dish of pasta bake instead <3
:P
lazy? or just the result of an extremely intensive week at work?
hehe.
:D
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
opportunity lost?
so, one of our colleagues at work raised a very poignant issue about people who profess to be Christian only attending church when it 'suited them' (ie, only at Christmas and Easter).
...my regret was that i chose to remain silent, and say nothing about it at all.
what would you have done? said nothing, or chosen to stand up for Christ and point out the truth about Christ and his love for them??
it's incredibly easy and 'safe' to speculate what the options are, if you are removed from the situation. But, sometimes, in reality, being bold for Christ takes guts. Lots of them.
...my regret was that i chose to remain silent, and say nothing about it at all.
what would you have done? said nothing, or chosen to stand up for Christ and point out the truth about Christ and his love for them??
it's incredibly easy and 'safe' to speculate what the options are, if you are removed from the situation. But, sometimes, in reality, being bold for Christ takes guts. Lots of them.
i need guts.
xm
PS: if anyone out there needs a non-invasive means to come to the truth and knowledge of Christ, and need to be guided thru the different steps to Salvation, then this website is dynamite!!
Check out this ace site!
photo.drop (Melbourne leg)
admiring the sights at rod laver arena
2 of life's greatest pleasures:)
random ambigous poster can't wait till the next time i get to travel overseas.!
:D
had an awesome time; can't wait to do it all over again :)
xox
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