cardiac spaghetti

hello. how are you? good? are you happy; content with what life has given you so far? i hope so.

most of my friends and family will know that, for years, i have struggled with the ever present issue that is my single state, and the fact that i have not yet been able to 'enjoy' a happy and fufilling relationship with someone for most of my life. I've tried to deal with this pain by immersing myself in various ministries both in church and out of church (i think as a way of distracting me from having to deal with my real issues and concerns...), and i'll have some days where my single state will not affect me at all. but then there are days, where i'll hear of fellow schoolfriends who are getting engaged, and my immediate reaction is one of joy and elation for them (oh, really? you're getting engaged?! i'm soooo happy for the both of you....all the best, dear!!), and the pain that i once felt and then suppressed, begins to die inside me, and i start to despair and become despondant at the fact that i might never find a compatible companion for myself at all.

...at times, it becomes a chore maintaining the veneer of imposed happiness in the presence of newly engaged pals. You're fake smile begins to hurt, and there are only so many times you can laugh and grin before they sense that you are faking; and that hurts as well (emotionally). Because deep down inside, you want to share in their joy and elation, but the fact that you are single means that you cannot truly feel their emotions, and are on a totally different level to their rush of emotions, and a wave of intense sadness descends on you, and all you want to do is run to your room and bawl your heart out until there are no more tears left to shed. because it hurts deeply; especially when you have feelings for someone, and you take the plunge and ask them out; only to have them turn you down point blank and them saying 'let's be friends, ok? i don't think i love you that much, sorry'.

you're heart can only get broken so many times before you become dead to the very idea of marriage, and the very notion becomes like a necrotic limb - void of any feeling and is dead and heavy, and conitnually weighs you down.

oh; believe me, i've had my fair share of crushes, and had my heart cut so many times, i think it's turned to cardiac spaghetti.

...i don't mind it when life brings you friends, sure they make your days a little brighter, and laughter always helps a broken heart, but i would (for once!!) like a little development in the relationship stakes...surely friendships have the ability to transform into something more...surely??

i think i've run out of love for the current season of Masterchef. I mean, sure, the tension and drama of trying to 'outcook' your oppenents is still there, but after the 1st and 2nd seasons, i think MC has run it's course. Sure, the same judges are there: Garry, George and Matt (aka, Captain Cravat).

There are of course the same challenges as last time; for instance, last night, the contestants had to re-create a dish that evoked memories from their childhood. Sure, there were a couple of sob stories (Eg, Claire, Callum and Adele), but from the start of the challenge to the end, every single contestant had a wet eye. (How I still do not know)...

i'm still smirking at Garry's comment of 'there is a lot of love in this room right now, use this as your inspiration!!' when the camera panned the throng of the top 24 chefs in the competition.

There have been a few character alterations. Take Matt, for instance. Last season, he was the gruff, cranky one, who was harder to please than a prositute on Kings Cross. Last night was a complete turnaround in terms of his personality. Garry and George are slightly more gruff this series. Which is a relief, considering that last season, I was actually yelling at the tv, every time George went soft on contestants who couldn't deliver for one reason or the other.

However, tonight, I'll be back in front of the tele, watching the battle pan out between the triumphant Alvin try his luck against Viet extraordinaire Luke Ngyuen in his attempts in matching Ngyuen's efforts in constructing a typical Vietnamese feast.




Now that i've had a chance to experience the phenomenon that is Masterchef 20-10, i've resigned myself to the fact that I am SUCH a fan of SA boy, Callum. For starters, he's only 20, and is THE most adorable creature. It's a pity that he's been put under the pump recently...take the most recent challenge - running one of two italian restaraunts. as fate would have it, his cooking skills and time management skills were out of this world...but alas, he was put on the weaker team, and subsequently, ended up losing the challenge (and a rather plush lunch, as well..poor Cow:( still. adele for me has gone from uber infuriating italian nonna to one hilarious woman - not only does she look perpetually stressed 24-7, but her response to stresses and her facial expressions are classic.! I'm actually surprised that she's managed to withstand the strains and stresses of being in the top 24..!!

i was devastated the other night when, after the bottom two contestants, Jonothan and Devon had a skills stress test, which poor old Dev came up second best to Brit Jono. :( boo.

it'll be so cool if Malaysian Alvin ended up winning...since i am asian and he is as well, and having my roots sort of from his country, it'd be well awesome!! =P

..stay tuned, peoples. =)

and i was like: baby, baby baby no!

So, today, it seemed, that a kid from Canada was coming out to Australia to perform today...someone by the name of....Beiber. That's right, folks. Justin Beiber was coming to Sydney, and where was I at i hear you ask? At work. The last place i really wanted to be at, actually, but, seeing as i had a throng of geriatric patients waiting for me at work, i thought I'd grace my work with my presence for a change.

So, I arrived as usual, and rubbed my hands together. (it was a real cold morning, and I don't cope well normally with sharp temperature drops at the best of times). As i breezed in from outside, I passed by one of my colleagues, who was only slightly aware of someone by the name of Beiber. So I brightly said good morning, and ZOMGosh, The BEIBER is heeeeere!!! woop!

...her response was a slightly, half awake thing of 'huh? be....OHHHH' and rolled her eyes and smacked her head. (I was determined to remain on a beiber-high all day, regardless of what i would encounter during the day...:)

The tv in the lounge room was on (but dang it; they had it on the WRONG CHANNEL!!) so i raged silently, but also at the same time, rather happily at this annoying fact; knowing full well, that later, i'd be able to sneakily change channels* and maybe catch a glimpse of the Beiber's face...).

So, the day panned out pretty much like it always does; we worked hard, and I happened to mention to my partner (let's just call her Ms T) that I'd had the beiber-fever for a while now...and wished that i could see him L I V E this morning. To which she replied (rather matter-of-factly):why? it's soooo cold!! my daughter is going to see him and i'll get her to take lots of pictures for you....

*normally, by some good chance, or by some wonderful turn of luck, we look after patients that insist on having their tv on while we attend to them. Y'know what? in our particular section, there was NO ONE that fell into this highly desirable catergory (boo), but the thing that gets my goat is that there was a man who fit into this catergory perfectly, but was in my colleague's section, and she doesn't even like the Beeb one iota!! Now how's THAT for justice?! =\

So the day ended, and night comes. This usually means that the 5pm news is on, and so we get to catch up on what's been happening in the world today. There was the usual news of natural disasters, the fluctuating economy, sports, and....that's right.!! My Beiber featured quite heavily not only in the ch 10 5pm news, but also in the 4pm news on ch7, and ch 9 had a small snippet of his brief performance as well...!! With that much coverage, i was a happy little beiber fan :) and still am...that boy's hair is amazzzzing.

...still wanting his cd: My World 2.0 (daggy name??) and still dream about him somehow being able to autograph it for moi in the near future...

i live in hope. Come back, Beiber!! We miss you and love love LOVE you!!