cardiac spaghetti

hello. how are you? good? are you happy; content with what life has given you so far? i hope so.

most of my friends and family will know that, for years, i have struggled with the ever present issue that is my single state, and the fact that i have not yet been able to 'enjoy' a happy and fufilling relationship with someone for most of my life. I've tried to deal with this pain by immersing myself in various ministries both in church and out of church (i think as a way of distracting me from having to deal with my real issues and concerns...), and i'll have some days where my single state will not affect me at all. but then there are days, where i'll hear of fellow schoolfriends who are getting engaged, and my immediate reaction is one of joy and elation for them (oh, really? you're getting engaged?! i'm soooo happy for the both of you....all the best, dear!!), and the pain that i once felt and then suppressed, begins to die inside me, and i start to despair and become despondant at the fact that i might never find a compatible companion for myself at all.

...at times, it becomes a chore maintaining the veneer of imposed happiness in the presence of newly engaged pals. You're fake smile begins to hurt, and there are only so many times you can laugh and grin before they sense that you are faking; and that hurts as well (emotionally). Because deep down inside, you want to share in their joy and elation, but the fact that you are single means that you cannot truly feel their emotions, and are on a totally different level to their rush of emotions, and a wave of intense sadness descends on you, and all you want to do is run to your room and bawl your heart out until there are no more tears left to shed. because it hurts deeply; especially when you have feelings for someone, and you take the plunge and ask them out; only to have them turn you down point blank and them saying 'let's be friends, ok? i don't think i love you that much, sorry'.

you're heart can only get broken so many times before you become dead to the very idea of marriage, and the very notion becomes like a necrotic limb - void of any feeling and is dead and heavy, and conitnually weighs you down.

oh; believe me, i've had my fair share of crushes, and had my heart cut so many times, i think it's turned to cardiac spaghetti.

...i don't mind it when life brings you friends, sure they make your days a little brighter, and laughter always helps a broken heart, but i would (for once!!) like a little development in the relationship stakes...surely friendships have the ability to transform into something more...surely??